Somewhere in between our quarter-life and mid-life crisis, a lot of us seem to go through a little something that I’d like to call the what-the-hell-is-going-on crisis. A time when you are trying to sort through your priorities: matters tending to your thumping heart, a lifelong friendship or even a career move. You want to speak your mind, clear the clouds in your head and feel the need to talk to someone. A best friend, a trusted sibling, a parent – someone you can count on.
Meet Anisha Pandya – practising psychotherapist, transformation coach and facilitator. In the last 14 years, her work allows her to act as a catalyst in unlocking the human potential. Her firm belief in “without passion, there can be no growth” allows her to focus on facilitating change through inspiration and the ignition of passion.
Anisha has worked with over 4000+ families till date, helping them build bridges and nourish relationships. Recently, over a cup of coffee, I joked around on how tough it was to find an agony aunt who had all the answers. Ironically, in her, I found my answer: Someone who is warm, objective, makes you feel comfortable, and gives great advice. Anisha is pretty much my go-to person.
Fascinated by our modern style of matchmaking, Anisha shared her tips and tricks on dating and relationships for Sirf Coffee this month:
Debunk the BIGGEST myth when it comes to dating.
“I need to know a person before I start dating him/her.”
I think we’re so disillusioned by the definition and concept of dating, that we often don’t realise the whole idea of “going on a date” is to actually get to know someone! The whole objective of dating is to create a platform for mutual exploration of each other and get a snapshot of how it would be to live with this person, so that one can make an informed choice.
What are three top things that couples come to you for?
1. Pre-marital counselling:
Couples often come to me when they are considering marriage to:
- to increase awareness about each other through tests (tools used to get to know each other better)
- to develop a deeper understanding of the “hot-buttons” of each other, and how to overcome them effectively
- to clarify their expectations around each other’s role in the marriage, for example, finances, housing etc.
- to learn and practise healthier styles of communication
2. Conflicts:
Dating usually satisfies the needs for companionship and attention, but the needs for security and clarity are often starved, especially if only one person is keen on marriage. Unmet needs can often result in disappointment / dissatisfaction.
3. Transformation:
Couples who are passionate about self-growth and are looking for a facilitator to help them take an inward journey together. These are the people who thrive on adventure; seek to find their deepest truth and inspire each other to be the best version of themselves.
What do you think is the most important thing couples can do to keep their relationships healthy?
Love is respect. It is very important that couples focus on accepting each other, rather than trying to change each other. The best relationships I have seen are not the ones with high similarities between couples, but a high celebration of the differences of each other.
To develop a healthy relationship, give the other person the space to be himself/herself fully without singling them out for their eccentricities.
What is your best piece of advice for people who feel like they’re not quite where they should be in their romantic life?
Some people seem to have a dual affair: one with a real partner and one with the imagined ideal partner. Their fantasy of how the other person should be often takes them away from accepting the fallibility of their partner.
Only when we give up on our image of a perfect partner, we can work on perfectly loving, and accepting an imperfect person, because we aren’t perfect ourselves.
Anisha Pandya can be reached at anisha.pandya@gmail.com
Interviewed by Noopur Pal
