“I don’t know…” trailed a Sirf Coffee member, “She was really nice, but there’s just no spark.”
“Does there need to be at this stage?” I asked. His sigh was more than an answer. “I mean, what if you give something a chance and the spark never comes?”
For those of us who are dating, and are out there looking to find someone special – you’re probably no stranger to this question. I not only relate to the fear of never having ‘the spark’, but have also found myself wondering what is this thing we’ve put oh-so high on our checklist, to determine the makings of a ‘successful first date’? Is it merely a deliciously elusive feeling we’re destined to chase?
I needed to break down the feeling that has SO much sway over the direction of our relationship and whether it is truly as unpredictable as we think it is.
So, why are we super into it?
The spark is a subtextual tension. Palpable chemistry between people. Have you ever been in a situation where you’re communicating with each other on multiple levels? You could be talking about the weather but your eyes and body language could be saying something else entirely.
Most of us wrestle with whether it needs to be felt instantly or if it’s something that happens over time. Either way, it is something that we all agree on is a good sign, and so… we all want it, and we want it now!
Let me introduce you to some facts instead.
Multiple studies have shown similar manifestations between symptoms of anxiety and ‘the spark’. The adrenaline rush, a quick beating heart, shortness of breath or butterflies in our stomach. An indication that sometimes the way we feel the spark might be early signs of something else entirely, such as feeling nervous.
With “the spark” (and everything else in our lives), we are simply at the mercy of our conditioning, environment and perspective. Our subconscious mind always seeks familiarity – when we meet people that remind us of someone we know, we might be “inexplicably” drawn towards them. As matchmakers, we have received first date feedback on the lines of, “It felt like I’ve known her for years.”
Disclaimer: This could be a bit problematic for those of us trying to meet different people & break out of unhelpful dating patterns.
The pandemic has left us with many lessons, but one thing that became apparent is that a strong relationship requires more than just chemistry — it requires kindness, commitment, and communication. Psychologist John Gottman at University of Georgia conducted 40 years of research on relationships – and found that the way partners respond to each other during conflicts is one of the best predictors of whether or not their relationship will last.
What we need to learn and unlearn
Step 1: Admit we’re all a little brainwashed (yes, even you, woke person in the back!)
Media is more integrated, and consumed in our lives than ever before. It’s no shame to admit its influence on us. Our inner romantic wants to be taken on emotional journeys all the time; by that annoyingly cute couple making reels or the million movies we’ve watched with the perfect amount of conflict to make our hearts soar at the rapid romance. Real love and lasting relationships are not always about the electrifying feeling on dates, unlike the movies.
That brings us to…
Step 2: Let go of the myth that every single date has to have the spark.
It’s no surprise we expect sparks to happen on the first date. But ask yourself this – is it the only marker you have? Are you leaning on this feeling a little too much?
The risks of being carried away by the spark is simple – it is for all intents and purposes, temporary.
We are easily enamoured by excitement and novelty – but there’s a difference between being open to new things versus being a spark-chaser. Life is more fun with butterflies and magic, but building a solid foundation is key. Focus on cultivating the spark (yes, it is possible) by building common interests and values, instead of instant gratification.
If you think about it, the notion of romantic sparks may seem a bit strange. For one thing, we tend to think that the best relationships gradually grow into something more substantial. And yet we use this word to describe the very beginning of a relationship – a time when couples haven’t had much chance to build on any connection and their intimacy.
Step 3: Look out for compatibility (not just attraction)
There’s more to a long-lasting relationship than fireworks. We can get so caught in the spark, that it’s easy to become blindsided to recognising qualities that are incompatible – it feels a bit like trying to fit into a great outfit, that’s just not your size (we all know how that ends right – you never end up wearing it).
If you are seeking a committed relationship, it is important to be aligned when it comes to personal values, outlook, relationship goals etc. What are you looking for in a partner? And what are the ways you can assess this? On the other hand, you could have a nice time on a first date – have great conversation, a laugh, and still take the lack of spark to be an indication that there’s nothing there. The spark doesn’t dictate the potential – getting to know someone, does.
Step 4: It’s okay to give things time..
We want so badly to believe in an instant connection, because it feels like a lie detector test or GPS for love. Your intuition telling you, ‘this is the one I’m going to be with forever’. But it’s okay – you don’t need a spark to find love. And even if you do, know that it’s more of a ‘slow burn’.
Also, know this: Some people are just very good at getting people to like them, they are charming and always know the right things to say, which is more an indication of who they are as people than a reflection of your budding relationship.
Step 5: Fight the urgency of ‘wanting’
Whatever internal alarm bells are ringing, telling you you’ve got to find someone now – ask it to take a backseat. Remember, you want both spark and compatibility, and fortunately it takes time to find (if it were that easy, maybe we wouldn’t value it as much!)
As a biological response, the spark is elusive and almost non-committal in nature – quite the opposite of what people are looking for in deeper and meaningful relationships.
If we allow a momentary feeling to dictate our future, put that pressure on ourselves and our date – are you setting yourself up for failure in a long term relationship that requires practice and patience? Because the spark isn’t patient.. It’s a response.
And the one thing I’ve learned is that love is not just a response. It is a perception that needs to be cultivated, it is a way of being. And that’s definitely more powerful than waiting for something to happen.
Happy Dating!
Krsna Daswani
Your resident dating coach
P.S. Dating may seem like a challenge — and something you don’t fully understand yet — but rest-assured, you’re not alone. Our team at Sirf Coffee can help you sift through the confusion and answer your questions about what it means to be single in today’s world.
You can book your consultation or reach out to us via email: info@sirfcoffee.com.
